Critics are stupid. I mean, they gave the first good movie adaptation of a video game poor reviews, but lavished praise upon an unfunny feminist remake of an 80s comedy classic. They clearly have their heads up their asses most, if not all, of the time.

That being said, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice sucked.

Let me be clear that I’m not a Marvel Cinematic Universe fan-boy. I’ve had DC Comics characters with me almost as much as the Bible. I’ve watched the Superman animated series, bits and pieces of the Batman animated series, Lois and Clark the New Adventures of Superman, the Justice League animated series, Smallville, the Richard Donner Superman movies, Superman Returns, the Tim Burton, Joel Schumacher and Christopher Nolan Batman movies, Arrow, the Flash, Supergirl and Legends of Tomorrow. I’ve even read some of the comics (including Final Crisis, where i learned that Batman is unkillable). I even watched Man of Steel, which was also bad. I’m more than on-board with DC Comics (although that’s starting to waver lately).

I just didn’t like this movie.

Here, in no few words, is why I thought this movie was crap.

So the movie opens up on Batman’s tragic back-story: because the comics, Tim Burton, Joel Schumacher and Christopher Nolan haven’t shown this to us before. Already Zack Snyder knows who he wants the audience to root for, by showing Bruce Wayne at his most vulnerable moment. Then we cut away to the events of Man of Steel, where Bruce Wayne has gone to Metropolis to save the people in Wayne Tower (or whatever building it is that belonged to him) who are endangered by Superman’s fight with Zod. Once again Zack Snyder is showing the audience who the good guy is in this movie, having Bruce Wayne do what Superman should have been doing, which is saving people during his battle. Instead, we get the man who tortures people being the one who’s rescuing people from Superman’s collateral damage (they make no bones about Batman’s proclivity for torturing his victims in this movie: they also have him kill people, but since he’s done that in the comics and the Tim Burton movies, it’s not really out of character for Batman to commit murder and think it’s okay).

Cut to the modern day and there’s a scene that sets up plot A with, you guessed it, kryptonite. Then we cut to the Middle East, where Lois Lane is a dick to Jimmy Olsen (who, unlike that lame excuse for PC pandering, is a CIA agent this time) just to show that “i’m a strong, independent woman who has to emasculate every man i see to prove that i’m in charge”. You know, like Peggy Carter, Black Widow, Charlize Theron’s character from Fury Road and every single cookie cutter “strong female character” of the past decade. Maybe writers should take a queue from Tyrion Lannister and stop writing their female characters like little Joffreys. But that’s besides the point, because instead we have to have the interview with the intellectually enlightened terrorist leader. Honestly, i’m getting sick of all this pro-terrorist bullshit. They have nowhere to talk about “American imperialism” and “drone warfare” when they kill people in cowardly fashion and torture people to death, and i wish film-makers would stop giving terrorists the moral high-ground.

Well, Jimmy gets killed by KGBeast, who then proceeds to shoot all the other terrorists and burn the bodies. The enlightened leader, meanwhile, takes Lois captive while the military is powerless to intervene. This looks like a job for Superman! He shows up and kills the terrorist leader (i’d complain but, honestly, this is second-nature to this version of Superman). Then we get a scene where the military finally show up and there’s women crying and weeping everywhere. Then we cut back to the US, where a random black woman is at a hearing at Capitol Hill, where she tells a sordid tale of Superman coming down and burning all the people in her village during the terrorist attack. The head of the hearing, the liberal Kentucky senator, buys the lie and begins the subplot that Superman has to answer for his “crimes.”

There’s some more filler about Superman and Lois, Perry not-White being a dick to Clark Kent, and Batman branding his victims (which i have no idea why that’s a death sentence. if Batman’s been active for years in Gotham, as this movie suggests, most of the criminals have been defeated by him, so why is it a death sentence?) Then the liberal senator meets…

This fucker. Lex Luthor, played by Jesse Eisenberg. I hated this version of Lex since I saw the clip that was released several months ago, about Bruce and Clark meeting, and the movie actually did more to make me hate him than to change my opinion. You see, this version of Lex Luthor is not obsessed with land, nor with global domination, or even becoming president. No, this Lex is different. Take one part Nostalgia Critic, one part Richard Dawkins, one part Tumblr user and you’ve got this weasel. You see, every time he’s onscreen, he’s doing one of two things: either he’s acting like an idiot (complete with idiotic nervous cackle), or reminding some character (and the audience) that he wants to kill God.

I’m convinced that Zack Snyder has a raging deicide boner that he jacks off in each of his movies. The theme of 300, aside from few standing against many, was for Leonidas to prove that “a god-king could bleed.” Because, as Arnold reminded us in Predator, “if it bleeds, we can kill it.” In Man of Steel, Jack-off Snyder did his best to throw all the Jesus-imagery at Superman, then proceeded to tear him apart by having him recklessly destroy a city to stop one bad-guy, then kill said bad-guy. In this movie, every two second, someone (usually Lex, but other characters get in on it: -cough- Batman!) has to remind the audience that they want to kill God in this movie! Hell, they even brought Neil Degrasse Tyson to cameo in this damn movie! As if that were not enough, the curse-word most often used in this movie is the taking of the LORD’s name in vain.

I’m confused, Jack-off Snyder, do you want to kill God or not?

I mean, critics (looking at you, Doug Walker!) complained that God is Not Dead was cheap, pretentious, on-the-nose and cliche. Well, then, this movie is like the cheap, pretentious, on-the-nose, cliche atheist version of that!

Okay, rant done (for now).

So whiny b*tch Luthor tells the liberal senator that he has a means of killing Superman and reminds her that he hates God and wants to kill Him. Quite out of character, the liberal senator is against the idea. But that doesn’t stop this little retard from acting like a goof anyhow.

Now the movie drags on quite a bit, but there’s some investigative stuff where Lois finds a bullet from the desert attack and starts trying to find where it came from, while Bruce Wayne does some detective work to find KGBeast that leads him to Lex. Clark is sent there on a puff-piece about some charity, which leads to a horribly awkward speech from Lex and a “i’m better than you” pre-fight talking match between Clark and Bruce…which is then interrupted by awkward little Lex showing up and spouting things that are mean absolutely nothing to anyone outside of the comics world. I mean, why is it so significant bringing them together? Clark is a nobody reporter.

But thankfully it ends and Bruce Wayne hacks Lex’s computers to get the information he needs (i like that Clark’s super-hearing can pick up the ear-piece talk between Bruce and Alfred) and Clark disappears to save Juarez from a fire. But once Bruce goes back for the device he used to copy the information, it’s been stolen. He tracks the thief to a museum and gets the information back. While he is attempting to decrypt it, he falls asleep and dreams that Darkseid has taken over the world and Superman is his right-hand. Because, after all, Superman’s sense of morality is no stronger than Lois Lane’s life, am i right, Injustice? Then Barry Allen shows up, half-absorbed by the speed-force, and spouts some nonsense about how Batman is right about his fears of Superman (fuck you, Jack-off Snyder!) and disappears. When Bruce awakes, he sees that the information has been decrypted and learns an important secret about the thief.

Meanwhile, with the world divided over their opinion of Superman, liberal senator (who apparently is free from corruption, yet another outrageous fantasy from the mind of Jack-off Snyder) has called for Superman to appear at the hearing on Capitol Hill. Meanwhile, Lex has created a smear campaign of his own: he finds an employee of Wayne’s who lost his legs during Man of Steel and gets him to lambast Superman as a threat (even painting “false god” on a statue of Superman, because we haven’t been reminded enough that they want to kill God in this movie!), while he sends Joker-esque messages to Bruce Wayne on newspapers (including one that says “you let your family die”, which is a low-blow since Batman, in the animated series at least, blames himself for the death of his parents). Superman appears at the hearing, where the crippled employee is there, along with a bottle of piss on the liberal senator’s desk, courtesy of Lex Luthor. As it turns out, Lex plated a bomb inside the crippled employee’s lead-lined wheel-chair, killing everyone at the hearing except Superman.

Now here i gotta give Jack-off Snyder some credit. I know he didn’t intend to do it, but here he actually did something that is true. For, you see, after the bomb goes off and kills so many, all the news stations reporting on the attack make the outrageous logical leap that Superman must be responsible for the bomb in some way. Now if the news station giving this report had been Fox News, the immediate reaction from the audience would be that “oh, they’re just twisting the truth to form their own narrative”. But the news stations, all of which are fanning the flames of this false story, are the liberal ones: CNN, MSNBC, CBS (or was it PBS? i forgot)! Now obviously Jack-off Snyder is a liberal as well as an atheist. Outside of the Capitol Hill before the bombing, there are anti-Superman protestors with signs that use the same color, font, even wording, of the same signs one might see at a Westboro Baptist Church funerary protest! Obviously Jack-off Snyder is a liberal, so it’s actually quite hilarious that he would unintentionally tell the truth about liberal news media twisting the truth to form their own narratives.

But that’s all that i’ll give him. Because once again Superman is brooding, and his mother tells him that he doesn’t have to save anyone (okay then!) I don’t remember much afterwards because my ulcerative colitis started kicking in and i had to adjourn to claim the porcelain throne. Afterwards, we found Batman in a training montage for his attempt to battle Superman. Because he bought hook, line and sinker, the lie that Superman bombed the Capitol. Hell, he even has a speech where he says that if there’s even a 1% chance that Superman is a threat, that makes it an absolute certainty. Well, we could say the same thing about you, butt-man, or the misandrist from Themyscera. At least, however, we get to see Batman stealing Lex’s kryptonite (and killing quite a few of Lex’s henchmen in the process). It always bothers me how Batman seems to have an inexhaustible supply of kryptonite (i know Smallville made kryptonite so accessible that even small-time thugs could melt it down and use it as ink for counterfeit money, but if that was a bad thing, why should kryptonite be so easily accessible?) Superman shows up like a dick and wrecks the Batmobile (i wonder how Bruce is going to explain the billions of dollars he’ll have to direct from his company to pay for the repairs) and tells Batman to give it up, because branding people is worse than outright killing them. And here we have Batman doing his rendition of “if it bleeds, we can kill it”, because Jack-off Snyder hasn’t reminded the audience enough that he’s gonna kill God in this movie!

During her investigation, Lois discovers the truth about the bomb and starts going after Lex. She gets kidnapped (what else is new) and taken to a building, where this little b*tch throws her off. Predictably, Superman rescues her, then flies up to confront Lex. And we get this little ginger b*tch’s big atheist speech, which really is nothing that you couldn’t get from the lyrics of any death metal or Norwegian black metal band. “wah, daddy abused me as a kid, so i blame God for this! and because you’re a god, killing you will make my deicide boner shoot creamy white goo! haha!” i mean, Epicurus’ “problem” was already answered, so bringing it up shows that atheists have no new arguments. they’re just whiny b*tches with daddy issues.

so Lex tells Superman that he’ll kill Martha Kent unless Superman kills Batman (because somehow everyone knows everyone’s secret identity in this movie). Superman flies over to the Bat-signal to ask for Batman’s help, and then we get our big battle. Sure it looks nice, but saying that this movie, or any movie, is good merely because of the CGI graphics, automatically qualifies the Transformers movies for status as “good movies”. Here we see that, not only is Jack-off Snyder a liberal atheist, but he’s also a Batman fanboy, like everyone else. Honestly, Superman could have just tapped Batman’s back, knocked out a disc from his spinal column, and that would be the end of the fight (of course, since Batman is invincible, un-killable and able to recover from a broken spinal cord, maybe that wouldn’t work). Of course Batman came prepared for this fight with kryptonite gas grenades that make Superman weak enough to fight, and as he’s ready to stab Superman with his kryptonite spear (once again, Batman has no problems killing people!), the single stupidest moment in this entire movie happens when Superman utters the name of his mother “Martha”.

now of course we’ll have the Batman fanboys criticizing this, but for me, having “Martha” as Batman’s trigger word that makes him stop trying to kill Superman is stupid. it’s as stupid as having Batman have paralyzing fits of PTSD every time his parents’ death is mentioned. so, because Batman is the moral one in this movie, he goes and rescues Martha Kent, killing many of Lex’s henchmen in the process, including KGBeast (but i guess it’s morally okay to leave someone in a position where death is the only outcome rather than killing them outright: at least that’s what Christopher Nolan said in Batman Begins, am i right?) Superman, meanwhile, tracks Lex down to the downed Kryptonian ship from Man of Steel, where yet another stupid thing has happened. Taking a leaf from Superman IV: Quest for Peace, the stupidest of the Donner films, Lex has merged his DNA with Zod’s and created Doomsday, a creature strong enough to kill Superman (because, if you didn’t know, he wants to kill God). Superman and Doomsday fight throughout a deserted Metropolis, then take the fight into space where the military fires a nuke at both of them, proving that Jack-off Snyder is a liberal (because only liberals have the US military chomping at the bit to launch nuclear weapons at any threat). this fails, and Superman is left immobilized in space from the radiation (don’t worry, the sun will heal him) while Doomsday starts destroying the city. Batman tries to stop him and fails: gee, what’s your fucking contingency plan if you managed to kill Superman but this monster is left alive?

oh. my. god. what are you doing in this movie?

okay, put down the torches and step away from the keyboards and let me explain. back when this movie was announced, feminazis complained that the next big superhero movie was going to be about male characters (because the Supergirl movie, Tank Girl, Barbarella, Catwoman and Electra are such prime examples of how studios should make expensive gambles on big budget movies with female comic book characters, and the AMAZING Ghostbusters movie proves that feminists can come up with good, original ideas on their own: heavy sarcasm!). and because, aside proving that he’s a liberal, he has no balls, Jack-off Snyder threw Wonder Woman into this movie. but she has about as much relevance to the plot as that Bolian had in Star Trek Insurrection. oh wait, not total irrelevance. because, like Batman, she has no weaknesses, so she can successfully fight Doomsday while Superman rescues Lois (who dove into a wrecked and flooded building to get the kryptonite spear that Batman made to kill Superman to use it on Doomsday: because, you know, that’s a thing, apparently!). also, her magical sword can sever Doomsday’s limbs: but she doesn’t use it to give him any mortal wound, oh no, just to cut off his arm and make it grow back into a literal Spear of Longinus. no, really, because Superman flies the kryptonite spear into Doomsday’s chest, killing him, but impaling himself on Doomsday’s spear-hand. then Batman and Wonder Woman take him down from the wreckage and into Lois’ arms, and it HAS to look like Jesus coming down from the Cross. because, after all, this isn’t a god that Jack-off Snyder has killed: it’s THE God (remember when whiny b*tch Lex evoked Jehovah in his little Epicurean rant?)

but wait, this movie isn’t over yet. seriously? Lord of the Rings wrapped up quicker than this movie! we have to have Perry’s reaction (including the mysterious and not coincidental death of Clark Kent at the exact same time and in the exact same place as Superman), we have to have his funeral in Kansas, we have to have Lois and Martha’s reactions, we have to have his military funeral in Metropolis, we have to have Batman and needless feminazi mouthpiece talk about finding Aquaman, Cyborg and the Flash and forming the Justice League, we have to have Steppenwolf’s cameo (he disappeared almost as soon as he had appeared: i guess he flew away on a Magic Carpet Ride), we have to show Lex being arrested, taken to prison, have his head shaved (because, like fellow whiny atheist b*tch varg cockernes, he didn’t want to be ass-raped in prison: probably reminded him of daddy), then interrogated by Batman, which of course then leads to the essential last ditch reminder by Jack-off Snyder’s mouth-piece (Lex) that, in case you forgot because of the run-time, we killed God in this movie! then again, because we can’t have a Justice League movie without Superman, we have to suggest that Superman will return.

well, the movie is over, thank the LORD. it did nothing for me, except question why i’m still bothering with comics (you know, like how DC and Marvel are doing with their comics). i certainly don’t need this kind of grim, dark, hopeless, atheist bullshit: i’ve already received more than enough proof that God is real, so the only thing i feel from this movie is disgust that arguments long since refuted are still being taught as if they’re the irrefutable “gotcha” arguments to tear down all religion. well, better luck next time, Jack-off Snyder…oh wait, you’re not part of the DC Cinematic Universe anymore, are you? well, as i said when Batman’s kryptonite gas wore off and him punching Superman was as ineffectual as punching a wall, sucks to be you!