Ugh, I wish I didn’t have so many problems socializing and could, you know, make friends like a normal person
Tag: post
I’m sick and tired of living for people who never gave a shit about me to begin with!
Some of you may have gotten the impression that tumblr culture has gotten to me and that i am in the “anti-recovery” camp.
This is not true!
I hate being miserable all the time. I hate having no energy that is not related to my colitis. I hate second-guessing myself and everyone else around me. I hate that I can’t just have normal friendships like everyone else, but that I am always thinking that everyone I know hates me and is annoyed by my presence. I hate having no motivation to do anything, especially the things that I love like music. I hate that I have such anxiety that I can’t even meet new people without breaking down internally, and externally coming off as a “super intense creep.”
I want to get better; but the facts are that all my attempts have failed. Simply ignoring my problems and trying to “get over them”, as i was taught by my parents, doesn’t work; the problems stay un-confronted and seek for the weakest point in my emotional stability to one day break out and ruin my day. I’ve even prayed over my problems, but God refuses to take my sorrow, pain, and misery away. Therefore, aside from ruining my life with anti-depressant drugs, I don’t know what else I can do to better myself!
I’ve been spending less and less time on social media lately. I’ve noticed that i get more depressed when on social media and see all the people i know online and know that they either can’t or won’t respond to my attempts to reach out to them.
So if anyone bothers to send me messages, and i don’t immediately respond, it’s probably because i’m conquering the world on one of my favorite RTS games.
Beauty in Doom
So earlier today, an amazing thing happened: after months of musical dearth with not a line of lyrics or a single note written, i finally got something written. A binge of Black Sabbath covers resulted in rough draft lyrics and riffs for a song currently entitled “Bishop of Souls.” The inspiration for the title came from the Bible, while a rough concept for the lyrics is a doom metal inspired take on Revelation 13 and the apostate church of Rome.
As far as the riffs that I made, there isn’t too much yet: just a slow and heavy riff for the song intro and a faster-paced blues shuffle riff that could be used either for the chorus or a bridge: riffs are c minor based and written for a drop-C or C-tuned guitar. This is a major starting point for writing a song; this was, after all, how many of the songs from my debut album started off, with little else but an idea and a line or two.
So after writing these down, i plugged in my First Act guitar: it’s old and of pretty poor quality, but i keep it for the tonality, which is very thick and doomy. I also keep it tuned four half-steps down (low to high: C – F – B flat – E flat – G – C), since C-tuning lends itself to the heavy sound of doom metal. So there i was, playing around on my C-tuned guitar, rehearsing the riffs i had written and trying to come up with new ones.
Then, for some reason, i started playing the chords from this song. Not something you’d expect could be played on a C-tuned guitar, or that someone like me would want to play. But there i was, playing Sixpence None the Richer, deftly strumming the chords to the song on a C-tuned guitar: not as difficult as you might think, since the chords can be played in the open position without the need of a capo. The only difficult part was that i didn’t actually know the chords to the song, but i knew the melody and could play chords that were agreeable to that melodic line (this was how i learned Rainbow’s “Temple of the King” without tabs).
And as i was bringing the chorus to a close, i made a realization: here was my crappy First Act, tuned to C, useful only for heavy, doom metal riffs (or for those riffs that, in standard tuning, would result in an E-to-F# major 2nd movement). The bottom strings were old and dirty – all the better to create those doom riffs – and while the higher strings were in better condition, they always made a distasteful ringing noise (just like on my Fender). Yet even so, i was able to play something major-keyed and beautiful sounding.
Then i came to the realization that there is light and beauty even in the darkest and gloomiest times: i just need to know where to look for it.
Anxiety
So a pastor who my parents and grandparents consider to be well-informed, said that the Catholic church has something planned for this year, especially since this October 31st will be the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation and the majority of religious leaders, both Protestant and Catholic, are spreading the lie that “Luther’s protest is over.”
On top of that, we have disasters hitting all corners of the world practically every week, AND on top of that of this, NASA says that we will be experiencing 15 days of darkness in November!
I am freaking out, not only because my life hasn’t really started and it’s already looking like it’s about to end, but because i’m 10 out of 10 going to hell!
You Know What
I’m sick of hearing women whine and complain about how they believe that nice guys are only “nice” for the sex, or that a man’s only interest in dating a woman is sex.
Okay, i get it. You hate having sex with men. The very thought of it is repugnant to your mind and makes you want to vomit. Big whoop. You only remind me of this fact every damn day with your fucking gender studies classes, which i was forced to take in college.
I’ve never had sex, and probably never will. When i take interest in a woman for a relationship, i’m not thinking “i’d love to fuck her.” My thoughts are “would she be someone i’d like to be close with emotionally, and have a deeper connection beyond merely friend or even good friend? What kind of person is she? What kind of mind and heart does she have? Is she someone i could grow to love?”
That is how i operate, and being rejected over and over shows me that women must really REALLY hate me. Or just men in general.
Four
That’s the number of friends i’ve lost. Whether because of life changes, personal problems, or some conflict that was my fault. What’s worse is that these people aren’t dead, they’ve just left me behind.
The truth is that i do take rejection very seriously. In my mind, if someone rejects me, that means that there must be something about me, whether personal, physical, or practical, that they did not like. So of course i’m going to take that seriously!
My Spiritual Conundrum
The Seventh-Day Adventist church is fast being invaded by liberal ideologies. On that side, which is quite populous, we have “Christians” who are a lot like you tumblr Christians: they don’t believe the Bible is the Word of God, they bring up Jeshua’s race as a reminder that “Christ doesn’t belong to you white people”, and believe that being a Christian is synonymous with being a social justice warrior. Aside from this, they have forsaken all the tenets of the SDA church, save for the Sabbath – which they keep out of tradition more than anything else.
On the other side, you have the Bible-believing right-leaning minority of the SDA church. They practice the health message, they preach the Spirit of Prophecy, will quote Ellen White before rob bell, rick warren, joel osteen or ghandi; they practice what they preach and their lives reflect the closeness to God which they possess. However, even these people are not without error: some are Judaizers, who believe that Christ did not come for “those gentiles”, which is against Scripture. Others are so far on the other side that they take Paul’s distinction between the Old and New covenants as an excuse for antisemitism. Others believe ridiculous things, like the flat earth conspiracy or the heresies of Arius. The latter are willing to cut apart Scripture to pick and choose which verses are “the Word of God” and which verses are “man’s additions”, which in turn make Jeshua Himself a liar.
Being rather right-centered myself, i am inclined that way, were it not for their disregard of Scripture (ironic considering their otherwise high regard of it as God’s Word). On the left, i see only hate and exclusion, and affirmation of my own doubts and fears about my salvation.
But there is no middle road. To abandon both and strike it on my own would be to violate Hebrews 10:25, and to invite sin and temptation to thrive in my life. And there is no possibility for Christian fellowship with a square inch of pixels.