Tag: personal

Spreading Happiness This Year

I have been writing Christmas cards this year, as a way to spread positivity and show my appreciation to the people who have been part of my life this year and others. If any of you would like a card for yourself, send me a private message with your mailing information and I will send you a Christmas card.

Some of you may have gotten the impression that tumblr culture has gotten to me and that i am in the “anti-recovery” camp.

This is not true!

I hate being miserable all the time. I hate having no energy that is not related to my colitis. I hate second-guessing myself and everyone else around me. I hate that I can’t just have normal friendships like everyone else, but that I am always thinking that everyone I know hates me and is annoyed by my presence. I hate having no motivation to do anything, especially the things that I love like music. I hate that I have such anxiety that I can’t even meet new people without breaking down internally, and externally coming off as a “super intense creep.”

I want to get better; but the facts are that all my attempts have failed. Simply ignoring my problems and trying to “get over them”, as i was taught by my parents, doesn’t work; the problems stay un-confronted and seek for the weakest point in my emotional stability to one day break out and ruin my day. I’ve even prayed over my problems, but God refuses to take my sorrow, pain, and misery away. Therefore, aside from ruining my life with anti-depressant drugs, I don’t know what else I can do to better myself!

I’ve been spending less and less time on social media lately. I’ve noticed that i get more depressed when on social media and see all the people i know online and know that they either can’t or won’t respond to my attempts to reach out to them.

So if anyone bothers to send me messages, and i don’t immediately respond, it’s probably because i’m conquering the world on one of my favorite RTS games.

Anxiety

So a pastor who my parents and grandparents consider to be well-informed, said that the Catholic church has something planned for this year, especially since this October 31st will be the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation and the majority of religious leaders, both Protestant and Catholic, are spreading the lie that “Luther’s protest is over.”

On top of that, we have disasters hitting all corners of the world practically every week, AND on top of that of this, NASA says that we will be experiencing 15 days of darkness in November!

I am freaking out, not only because my life hasn’t really started and it’s already looking like it’s about to end, but because i’m 10 out of 10 going to hell!

You Know What

I’m sick of hearing women whine and complain about how they believe that nice guys are only “nice” for the sex, or that a man’s only interest in dating a woman is sex.

Okay, i get it. You hate having sex with men. The very thought of it is repugnant to your mind and makes you want to vomit. Big whoop. You only remind me of this fact every damn day with your fucking gender studies classes, which i was forced to take in college.

I’ve never had sex, and probably never will. When i take interest in a woman for a relationship, i’m not thinking “i’d love to fuck her.” My thoughts are “would she be someone i’d like to be close with emotionally, and have a deeper connection beyond merely friend or even good friend? What kind of person is she? What kind of mind and heart does she have? Is she someone i could grow to love?”

That is how i operate, and being rejected over and over shows me that women must really REALLY hate me. Or just men in general.

The truth is that i do take rejection very seriously. In my mind, if someone rejects me, that means that there must be something about me, whether personal, physical, or practical, that they did not like. So of course i’m going to take that seriously!