What i want: to get married, have children, make music, write books, be happy
What God wants for me: to be alone and miserable for all of my life, then to die and be alone in hell forever

The Second-Worst Time of Year

So 2016 is almost over. While i have come to my second remission period (although still plagued with diarrhea), this year looks to end on just as sour a note as it began.

My battle with UC has made me realize just how little I’ve truly lived. All my plans, or anything that might be close to “a plan”, were destroyed by that battle. Now it’s all that i can do to make ends meet.

As if that were not enough, now it’s the Christmas season. Usually i’m all for being cheerful and jolly this time of year, but this year it’s even harder than usual. All my attempts at reaching out to people have resulted in them pulling away from me. Everyone will be working (including me at yet another temporary job, because apparently i’m not good enough for permanent work). And all i get from my family is a dismissive “oh well”.

So then it looks like 2016, which started with a life-threatening illness, is going to end with a sad, lonely Christmas.

I’m 26, my youth is practically spent. These are the years I’m supposed to be enjoying life, and instead I’m crippled with disease, lonely, cut off from people and denied the opportunity to actually live!

Being depressed sucks. It sucks because nobody believes that you’re really hurting. To them, you’re just “being negative”. I can’t recall how many times i’ve been told “just be positive.”

You’d expect Christians to be the most understanding and supportive to such people. But instead, my church continues to push the liberal anti-white agenda. Surprisingly, that doesn’t help: instead, it fuels the self-loathing and sense of loneliness and isolation.

But it gets better. You cannot share this with anyone, as they don’t care or have their own problems. All of those helpful, inspiring quotes floating on the internet? They’re ALL written exclusively for women. And those who call themselves “friends”? Yeah, even they will grow tired and desert you.

And don’t even bring God into the picture. Being the One who brings about my loneliness and then expects me to turn to Him, when He is even more absent than my real father, is the definition of torture.

so i tried to find someone to spend Christmas with. i even tried to think positive thoughts, about how it would certainly happen. guess what?

you guessed it, the fugly viking is going to be alone on Christmas…yet again 😥

i don’t even know why i post shit on here anymore. maybe it’s because nobody gives a shit, so i can say whatever i like and nobody listens, just like real life

I don’t get too upset over what is posted online. But if you post some stupid vegan-hate meme or what have you, i will consider you ever after as an asshole.

I have to give up ALL dairy products because of my UC, and even that hasn’t been enough to bring about remission. So to have people mock me for choosing not to have painful gas and bloody shit is a total dick move.

Honestly

How do people even meet in general? Offline, women have no problem staring at me, but once I try to reach out, talk and connect, it’s either a brief, terse response that clearly says “i don’t want to talk to you, so let me just answer your stupid questions as quickly as possible so i can get away from you”, or they don’t even bother with courtesy and ignore me outright.

women don’t give me a chance, so why should i give them one either?

People: omg, you’re so antisocial. it’s your own fault you don’t have any friends. why don’t you try to reach out to people?
Me: I do, but everybody ignores everything I say when I try to reach out to them.
People: …
People: omg, you’re so antisocial!